Missing Season Alert

How in the world is it October and Swampass Season is still in full effect? Somebody please explain it to me! I am done!!!

For those of you who somehow are not aware what Swampass Season is let me enlighten you. Here in Southeastern North Carolina we use adjectives such as thick and sticky to describe the air that we wade through outdoors in the warm months. This thick and sticky air is the direct result of our humidity being an average of 1,392%. I mean seriously, our mosquito breeding grounds are practically airborne at times. So, when you live in such climates there is a specific time where the impacts are so bad we have an additional season, Swampass!

This season is know for its distinct odor of failing deodorant. It is often marked by a traditional ritual called the “Panty Shimmy.” This ritual happens on those high humidity days that has left us Southerners sweating threw all of our undergarments. This ritual is only practiced in closed stalls (hopefully at least). The height of Swampass is marked by the seasonal “Panty Shimmy” line on July 4th when we collectively choose to not use our God given sense by spending the entire day outdoors and are likely waiting for our own turn to participate in this ritual outside of a blazing hot plastic blue outhouse.

Now, if the height of this dreadful season coincide’s with Independence Day, why in the world does the calendar say October and it still feels like we’re in the thick of it? There is no sensible reason for me to have to do a complete wardrobe change after a trip to the grocery while there are pumpkins decorating the steps of churches, banks, and those homes of moms that are clearly doing better than me at this point.

So hear I sit in vain, begging Mother Earth to please allow Fall to come soon. I’m not sure what creature needs to see its shadow or how many Southern women will need to sacrifice their aerosol hairspray, but what ever y’all can do to help this change of season happen, let’s get to it. Seriously, I’m behind on laundry and these wardrobe changes are killing this chick!